Self-Love

Hi blog. Can I still keep calling it that? I know this is really my journal. Only a few people know this forum exists (although I've forgotten who I've told, exactly).

I recently came to realization that I am spending my day-to-day experience with some form of depression. It is a mild form, which I say not to minimize my experience but rather to highlight that my depression is not fulminant or debilitating; rather, it's simply been making each day a little harder, and progressively so, at least recently. What this looks like is self-neglect: I don't brush my teeth at night, I don't study, and I isolate myself from my friends or peers. My feelings of anxiety have been worse over the past week, although it feels like it has been longer. What this looks like is I'll avoid certain social situations in attempt to save myself from the judgement of others (in reality I believe that this is self-judgement). I've been "on edge" and sometimes unable to relax outside of mindlessly scrolling social media, which isn't exactly relaxing either. I just choose to sleep.

Self-judgement and isolation exacerbate the anxiety and depression. I guess you could say I've become comorbid (I really just wanted to use that word in a sentence). Again, I don't write here for an audience, since this is a website that I have told no souls about. Maybe when I'm old I will consider sharing this with others so that they can see the kooky-crazy that's riddling my 24-year-old mind.

I feel better after crying earlier. I spent a few hours "wasting time" in bed, alternating between my phone and trying to sleep. I had a conversation with my boyfriend (4.5 months as of today) this past Sunday that ended with both of us feeling very bad, but it feels like ages ago. We've talked since then and decided to talk again at another time. I think it's important that we undergo difficult conversations and work through them in the end. My anxious feelings did get worse this week, which are probably in a way related to our relationship. Anyhow, today I confronted my feelings of high self-judgement and low self-worth. I briefly considered the internalized homophobia that I do too good of a job at ignoring and compartmentalizing.

Something I can do right now: stop criticizing myself every time I don't meet my own standards of how I am living or how I think I am supposed to be. Another thing I can do: keep myself accountable so that I don't break commitments I make to myself. I've been in a perpetual cycle of saying I'll make changes only to fall through again and again and then proceeding to repeatedley judge myself and be too harsh to my mind. Ideally, if I stop myself from being critical and harsh, I will be one step closer to experiencing self-love. This self-love will hopefully empower me to keep commitments I make to myself for self-improvement. I think the way I've set up this framework avoids my discomfort with being selfish, which is an obstacle to address another day (that, and the intellectualization of my emotions; I don't think I forget "feel" my feelings, though, so that isn't actually as maladaptive of a defense mechanism in my view).

Here's to loving yourself.