Hello blog! I tried to avoid looking at my last posts, but I did just see that the last time I posted was pretty much exactly 1 year ago. A lot has happened during this time...let me start off by saying what I came to say.
This is a personal journal of sorts for myself. No one has the link to my blog: it's all for me. I don't think I even want to show this to anyone eventually; instead, I want this to be a safe space for me. I think that's how I have utilized this space before, and that's what I will continue to do. This is my domain, and I will use it to find my voice. I will use it as a tool for reflection. If some random person finds my blog, I hope my thoughts are somehow helpful to them if they can. So here it goes.
I moved back home 1 year ago because I became depressed. I was overeating, spending the day in bed, rotting my brain and life away, and quite unmotivated to continue working toward my degree. I felt powerless, weak, alone, and most importantly: I lost vision of who I am. I believe I experienced "ego-death" in some way. I...am simply not the bright-eyed, over-achieving nerd that carried me through my entire K-12 and college experience.
In the present: I am a 25-year-old male. I am the first in my family to enter medicine. Heck, I am the first in my family to graduate college. I was diagnosed with ADHD. I continue to struggle with self-esteem and anxiety. What drives me in life is to learn science and to earn money to support my family. And I mean, a lot of money. I want to provide for my little brother. I want to provide for my boyfriend, who is the light of my life and with whom I look forward to building a life together.
I thank my father a million times for this; it is his work-ethic that I have come to appreciate through the years that I draw inspiration from; despite his flaws, he is a hark worker and no one can take that from him. I know Father's Day was yesterday, but maybe I can tell him that today.
I am currently at a tea shop with a friend. Even though I don't always agree with the way he does things, I really appreciate the person I see in front of me. He's been through a lot, and his courage to continue forward inspires me. I wish I were a better friend in terms of consistency and hanging out more. I want to be a little like him. He's learning too and working hard for something, and that's something I both value and admire. I am thankful he always asks to hang out with me, even when I don't.
Anyhow, I should really get to studying. I have important things to do. I suppose I can write about that another day. I'm looking forward to it.
