Self-Efficacy

Self-efficacy refers to an individual's belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments (Bandura, 1977, 1986, 1997). For the past year, not only have I experienced loneliness, anhedonia, and low self-esteem, but I have also lost the majority of my self-efficacy. I no longer believe I am able to set and then reach goals I set for myself to achieve what I desire.

Part of this is surely explained by my lack of confidence in my own worth and ability as a person: my self-esteem. Put simply, I don't really trust myself. I don't think I'm capable, at least not deep down. Because I've grown tired of failing to reach my goals, I think I eventually resisted the urge to even try. In turn, I developed bad habits, such as too much screen time to help me relax, or lack of exercise to save my energy for studying. My perfectionism also contributed in the sense that I started to not even start studying if I didn't think I could conceivably achieve everything I ought to do, like all my practice questions and case studies and using reference texts.

However, even in the good times, when I find I am without significant impairment from symptoms of depression and am general mentally well, these habits persist and prevent me from even attempting to do what needs to get done. This includes not just studying, but cooking meals for myself, any exercise at all, completing my laundry, and even menial tasks like brushing my teeth.

Today I feel good. I am not currently stressed by the impending threat of exams. In fact, I believe I can do what needs to get done. I can incorporate movement in the morning and hopefully throughout the day. I can get through my question banks. I can reduce my screen (specifically entertainment) time. Hooray!

Finding Myself

Good news! For some reason, I have been especially motivated for the past 24 hours (it feels way longer than that). My mood is stable, I'm feeling neutral-positive, and best of all I am advancing in my studies (and no, I'm not writing that down to make myself feel better after an hour of studying).

I want to take a second to write on my experience with learning, burnout, career interests/choices, and living. Okay whoa, actually, maybe I'll just touch on the learning. I came across a practice question on UWorld I got wrong. My knowledge gaps were simply too great. However, reading the explanation made me...happy? I loved how the explanation gave the pathophysiology of the diagnosis, as well as for the incorrect options, as the rationale for the right answer. Today, I have learned that pyogenic granulomas commonly occur in young adults, and in particular, pregnant women, likely due to the normal pregnancy-mediated increase in vascular endothelial growth factor (VEGF) that may promote pyogenic granuloma growth. They characteristically bleed with minor trauma and can be surgically excised, but laser therapy and topical silver nitrate are other treatment options too. In pregnant women, pyogenic granulomas usually regress postpartum and may not require treatment.

Also known as lobular capillary hemangiomas, these <1 cm lesions are vascular tumors composed of abnormal capillaries and granulation tissue! They typically present as friable, dome-shaped nodules on the hands, trunk, or oral mucosa/gingiva.

Anyhow, my little brother's choir concert is tomorrow (his last ever *sheds tear* since he's graduating high school in less than a month). I am so proud of him. I see how much work he puts into his studies. I see the dedication, the drive, and grit to reach his maximum potential. I'm smiling just thinking about it.