Tonight

Hello! I am writing yet another blog post this week to bring some news to my non-existent audience. I am feeling...anxious. I also feel very sad and lonely. I can't focus. It is currently 9:31 P.M., Friday night. My roommates are spending quality time with their significant others, and I'm in my room, alone, studying. At least, trying to. I don't want to bother them because they seem to be having a good time. I already called my mom and my little brother, after which I felt better. Now, though, I just can't seem to get back to work. I have the rest of night, Saturday, and Sunday left to study for my Cardiology exam on Monday morning. I have spent the entirety of this week studying for Hematology/Oncology. That is 4.5 days. Now I have 2.5 days to spend on Cardiology. I am scared out of my mind. I don't know what to do, or how to focus my studying. I don't know who I can reach out to. I should have reached out to the mental health services at my school, but I just haven't. I have emails I need to reply to. I am so scared. I just want things to be better. I don't want to procrastinate anymore. How can I fix how I am feeling? I am using this forum to get my feelings out because I don't have anyone to talk to about my problems. I feel so alone. I feel miserable. Also, I didn't get into the a cappella group I tried out for. I guess I'm not Rachel Berry. I miss high school. I miss college. I hate medical school. Don't get me wrong; I actually find talking to patients, building a history, and performing a physical examination to be my favorite part of it all. I just wish the classes and exams weren't so hard. I already failed one medical school course that I have to repeat next January/February: Infectious Disease. I hope I don't have to do the same with another course ever again.

Here is my game plan that I hope will help me feel better. I'm thinking I can watch the rest of the lectures tonight and go through the Anki, then just spend the weekend (Sat-Sun) reviewing instead of doing an in-depth study like I did for Hematology/Oncology. I feel inspired with this general plan. I am reminded of the little engine that could from a book I read in first grade. Like the train, I must tell myself "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" and maybe then, I actually will succeed.

Thank you mom, for reading to me so much as a child and introducing me to books at an early age. I hope intend to continue that trend post-final exams. Will I get my life together? We shall see!

I aspire to believe in myself as much as this little train believes in itself

Purpose

Tonight will be a sad blog post. I went home twice this past week, and I (think) I cried both times. At least, I wanted to. It was my little brother's birthday on Thursday and I took him shopping all afternoon and got him some pretty neat stuff if I do say so myself! Mostly everything was fine...except for the fact that my parents fought (again) that night. It's kind of an ongoing thing, and I've for the most part grown numb to it. The only thing is, I get very angry, but mostly very sad when they do it...while we are trying to celebrate a birthday. They fought last year on my birthday (I literally set the table, called everyone to the kitchen, and lit the candles on my cake, which I bought, so that we could all go to bed). I was holding back tears, and when they noticed, I said I missed my older brother (a lie). Anyway, they fought again on Thursday, and that really pissed me off. I don't typically use that language, but it is true. I felt bad for my little brother, but I would be damned if I let my parents ruin his birthdays now, too. I think I did a great job of lightening the mood, at least until my mom started being sad and making side-comments about random things. To be completely fair, she is grieving this month the death of her mother and brother. Obviously that is not the issue I have. I just wish she could be there for my brother, and I wish my dad weren't so silent on every single matter.

Today I cried because of a realization that dawned on me. My mom said I was cruel for "threatening to visit less often". What she takes out of context is that I said her fighting with my dad makes me want to come home less. She focuses on the part that will negatively impact her. It's no secret she loves me greatly compared to my brothers, which is a whole other topic. When I told her very slowly, directly, intensely, and deliberately that she wasn't listening and that she made me sad, all she did was continue to focus on how cruel it is the way I speak to her and how I threaten to not come home. At that moment, something cracked inside of me. I wasn't necessarily heartbroken or paralyzed with emotion. Instead, I think I felt a slow realization that I could never rely on my mom for any emotional support. It's always about her. At least, her feelings are always the most important default. I am trying to contextualize this with the fact that my grandma and uncle have passed exactly 1 year ago, but for the life of me, this felt very typical behavior for her, regardless of the grief.

I'm writing this as I am severely behind on my studying, but I think it's necessary to get this off my mind. As I grow older, I trust less and less people with my feelings because, well, everyone has that other person who is their priority. My friends all have significant others or are not the best texters. I know they would listen to me if I asked, but my fatal flaw is that I don't like to ask for things from others if I might inconvenience them. I wish I were more selfish, I really do. I just end up feeling guilty, though. I know that it's an erroneous way of thinking, I really do. But it's the way I feel, and because the only person I am hurting here is myself and not anyone else, I'm (mistakenly, I know) okay with that. Maybe one day that'll change. Perhaps this is the week I finally ask to get connected with a therapist. Maybe it's also the night I decide to take care of business and study for my exams.